Loss

One of the purposes for this blog was for documenting our growing family for our far away friends and family. Yes, Jeff and I found out on December 8th that we were pregnant with our first baby! We were surprised, but oh so excited for baby Green to get here. Unfortunately, we found out on our first appointment that our baby had no heart beat and died a few weeks prior. We were nine weeks along, and he was measuring at about six weeks. (For some reason we have no doubt in our minds this little baby was going to be a boy).

We were devastated.

We had told a few close friends, family, and our community here in Arkadelphia. We knew when we found out we were pregnant that something could happen to our baby, but we wanted people to know so that they could be excited with us, celebrating this new life God had given us (if only for a few short weeks). This was the email that Jeff wrote to them when we got home from the doctor on Wednesday explaining what had happened.

There is no easy or nice way to put this, but today Bailey and I found out that we lost our baby.

We are doing ok, and my family will be here tonight.The ultrasound tech told us almost immediately that she couldn't find a heartbeat.  Moments later the OBGYN (Mike) confirmed. Our baby most likely died 2-3 weeks ago.  There was most likely something genetically wrong that we could have neither prevented or discover. The baby most likely would not have lived outside the womb.We don't (and won't) know all of the specifics but we know God is sovereign and his will be done. Because Bailey's body hasn't naturally miscarried the baby we are having surgery tomorrow morning at 6:00 AM, it shouldn't take too long and we will be home by lunch. We wanted to let our community know so that you can be praying with us.  Don't feel afraid to check on us and know that there is nothing to "fix", but we will simply need our brothers and sisters in Christ to be with us in the coming weeks.

We love you all.

It's been just over a week now, and honestly it's still difficult. Sometimes life seems normal, going about the day as if nothing happened. Other moments I cry, missing our baby, and the memories we will never get to make together. When people ask how I'm feeling it's usually a moment by moment answer. Our friends and family have been so sweet to us, wrapping their arms around us, providing in tangible ways, praying for us, and just sitting while we talk about what is going on in our hearts. We are so thankful for them. God has truly blessed us.

I won't lie, I still wonder why this happened. Why us? Why now?  God has been so faithful to comfort my questions through his Word, leading me to scriptures of hope and peace. I told a friend the other day that I feel like I finally understand the heart wrenching anguish that the psalmist describes. I understand the pain and hurt that life on this earth brings but also the unending, relentless love of our Father.

This scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that I've mediated on frequently this week. We long for the day when there is no more hurt or suffering, but until that day we cling to this promise of our abba Father.

But thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Hold One of Israel, your Savior."

I write all this to help sort out my emotions but also for others who might be going through this same journey.   Know you are not alone in your hurt. It was very comforting to us to hear stories and be with others who have been where we are. We pray that through our suffering that God be glorified. He is a good God, he loves us, and he loves that baby too.